“I don’t like change.”
When I was young, I remember confidently sharing with friends, “I don’t like change.” It was a fact and my life revolved around it.. If something happened I didn’t like, I allowed my thoughts to rationalize the outcome. Looking back, it’s no wonder most issues in my first years of marriage stemmed from my victim-mentality. That if something was a certain way, then that was it. I couldn’t change. Circumstances couldn’t change. Life couldn’t change.
I WAS A VICTIM TO MY LIFE AND I LIKED IT
For years, my life was stained with this sense of pride in who I was and how it was going to be. Somehow I felt more in control when I declared to the world I didn’t like change. It was a way to cope with the difficult issues. It was a badge and I wore it with honor. My life revolved around it. Even when the badge got heavy, I “carried my cross” and moved on with my life. I had trouble realizing that the weight came from pride, shame and resentment. I couldn’t show people I needed help, I had no reason to feel sad, and there was nothing I could do to change my life.
… until I encountered God through St. Paul. His story, his writing, his life resonated with mine in so many ways. I fought a battle to be right and praised. I did it for God. I did it for all the wrong reasons. Where was the spirit of humility? Peace? Love? The qualities that each saint seemed to possess distanced me from my reality that I wasn’t living like a true disciple of Christ.
“They profess to know God, but they deny him by their deeds, they are detestable, disobedient, unfit for any good deed.” Titus 1:16
Although my intentions were to live for God, my heart was filled with hatred and pride. Just like St. Paul.
But there’s hope:
“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities;for when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corin 12:9-10
Remember Mama, God is right there for you when you are ready to open your heart to Him. To change.
Love + Prayers,